When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
