Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
