I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So squirting runs in the family.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
