wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
