what day is it and did you see me today?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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