You just made me feel so damn special
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
