Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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