You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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