This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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