I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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