I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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