my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
if i died would you start the facebook group?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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