did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
