If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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