ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
