Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
