It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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