Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
