i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
