I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
