I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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