I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize