The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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