Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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