Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
