he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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