I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
