i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
they're like a gay fantastic four
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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