If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
