you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
