saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
