I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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