I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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