Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
