UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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