Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
