there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
