Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize