I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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