Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
