Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
