shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
