I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
