If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
