My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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