Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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