she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
