We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
