there's paper in my vomit.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
