Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
