I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
