How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
