i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
one two three fourrrrnication!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
