my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
