she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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